When the Brakes Stick: ADHD Homeschooling Strategies – Part 1: ADHD and Trauma

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Living with ADHD often feels like trying to hold onto a dozen threads at once, each one pulling in a different direction. In the last few days, as I physically untangle a ball of yarn I’m trying to knit with, my mind has been untangling some big changes in routine due to my husband’s work schedule, trying to clean the house, the heavy emotional work of raising pre-teens, figuring out what’s for dinner, feeling guilty for giving up and ordering dinner so often, and trying to homeschool in the midst of it all. On top of all that, the brakes on our car are stuck. There are just too many threads pulling in too many directions. Each task feels urgent, each thought interrupts the last, and the mental noise never quiets down.

That’s how I ended up running the water from our kitchen faucet for a full minute, waiting for it to warm up, before realizing that I had turned it to the cold side.

That’s how I ended up going to the coffee shop near my daughters’ taekwondo class because I needed to use the bathroom, but buying a hot chocolate instead and only realizing I had forgotten to use the bathroom when I picked up the girls. And thinking, “I’ll remember to use the bathroom when I get home,” the whole drive, but then promptly forgetting and starting a whole new task as soon as I got inside.

That’s how, almost every day, I make myself a cup of tea in the morning, find it sitting on the counter at lunch, stick it in the microwave, and find it in the microwave at dinner time.

ADHD isn’t just about distraction—it’s constantly competing priorities, the exhaustion of trying to keep them all in the air, and the ache of wondering if you’re doing enough.

In this two post series, I want to unpack all the ways we’ve adapted our homeschool for our daughter, Moon, who has ADHD. In this post, I’m sharing the root of ADHD according to new research, and how we address it from the inside out. In next week’s post, I’ll share some of the more external tips for living with ADHD and making a homeschool ADHD-friendly.

Homeschooling was a nightmare before we found these strategies, but now? It’s going pretty well, alhamdulillah. Moon has come a long way since second grade, when she struggled to focus on simple tasks, had daily meltdowns over completing her work, lost most of her worksheets, and woke up multiple times each night. Now in fifth grade, her organizational skills and discipline are her assets. What were once her weaknesses became her strengths.

ADHD and Childhood Trauma

Living with ADHD can feel like driving a car with stuck brakes. Every push of the gas is met with resistance. The car works against itself. The engine burns more fuel, the brake pads wear down, and the whole system suffers. In the same way, children with ADHD often feel worn out by tasks that seem simple for neurotypical peers. The real issue isn’t laziness or lack of effort—it’s that their brain is working against itself. And just as fixing the brakes requires more than just topping up the gas, healing ADHD requires looking at the deeper roots of trauma and rewiring neural pathways.

Yes, I said trauma. This section might be hard to read; it was hard for me to absorb this concept when I first learned it. But there is a lot of research linking ADHD symptoms to childhood trauma. I’m not saying that ADHD is caused by trauma, but people with ADHD can be highly sensitive to events in their childhood that they internalize as trauma. This trauma doesn’t have to be what we commonly think of as trauma—sexual assault, abuse, horrific accidents, etc.—but can more often be a busy parent, unstable environment, or anything else that affects the feeling of stability and safety. Children with ADHD are often highly sensitive, and that causes them to experience more stress than other children in similar situations. When this stress response is activated in the context of a healthy parent-child relationship, the physiological effects are minimized. When this supportive relationship is not available, and if the stress is long-lasting, it can become toxic stress, which has an impact on brain development.

So, beneath the surface struggles of attention and behaviour lies the need for safety, connection, and love. In our homeschool, we’ve learned that strategies only work when they grow from that foundation.

Moon’s Story

Heart was born when Moon was 19 months old, and despite all our best intentions, Moon did not get the caring, loving, patient parents she deserved. The first year after Heart was born was a difficult time for all of us. It was during that time that my own autism and ADHD symptoms were becoming debilitating because I didn’t even know I was neurodivergent. I was giving more than I could give because I was still trying to do everything the neurotypical way.

Moon has always struggled with sleep. After Heart was born, sleep became a sticking point for the whole family, leading to yelling, blame, and heavy emotions. After I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD when Moon was 4 years old, things slowly got better, our family grew happier, but it never occurred to us to do anything to make up for that difficult time in her life. It’s not surprising to me that as she grew up, she developed anxiety, especially around sleep and abandonment.

Some parents may say, “But my child doesn’t have any trauma.” I would respond, “Are you sure?” Every child has their own experience. Something like a big move during the early years, or a new sibling taking up their parents’ attention, could be internalized as trauma to a sensitive child. To many children, it makes no difference whether their parent is actually absent or just constantly on their phone—either way, they’re not getting the attention and parental bonding they need. It’s important to realize that trauma is not always the parents’ fault but could simply be a result of life events during those formative years. An ADHD child may not have experienced “trauma,” but just high stress. A sensitive child may experience things we feel are insignificant as being highly stressful. I highly recommend the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté for more information on this topic.

Our priority with Moon has been to deal with her anxiety and to heal our relationship with her. The foundation of learning is emotional safety. Homeschool strategies can help the car run in the meantime, but if anxiety is at the root and it’s not being addressed, the ADHD child is still working against themselves. They’re still working harder than they need to, expending more energy than other kids. It’s so vital that we address any underlying anxiety: healing the parent-child relationship, building trust, and fostering love.

The Role of Anxiety and Emotional Safety

An anxious mind cannot learn freely. Anxiety tightens the body and clouds the heart, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming. Our priority is always to create an environment where our children feel safe and loved. Here are some of the ways we do that:

Consistency in routine

Consistent routines are essential to developing a sense of safety. When things around us are constantly changing, it’s hard to feel secure. Everything is unknown. We want kids to learn to manage their energy, to be able to regulate themselves throughout the day, but how can they do that if they don’t know what to expect?

Consistency in routine means that Moon knows exactly what to do when she wakes up to get ready for the day. She knows that she’s expected to work on her lessons until a certain time, then we have group lessons until lunch, and then she works on her lessons again until a certain time before more group lessons. She knows that by 3:30, she’ll be done with her schoolwork, and she will have free time to unwind or make crafts (she loves crafts) until dinner. Then she knows that after dinner, if it’s Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, she has an extracurricular program to get ready for. Finally, she gets ready for bed.

The consistency and predictability create a safe environment where she can relax because she knows she’s taken care of and that things will happen when they usually happen.

If a consistent routine isn’t possible for your family, the next best thing is predictability. When schedules need to change around here, I let the kids know as early as possible. I also use a family wall calendar so they can see what’s coming up before it happens.

Even small predictable anchors—a morning ritual, a bedtime routine—can reassure a child that they are safe.

Sensory-friendly spaces

Sensory-friendly spaces are equally important when it comes to feeling safe. When your bedroom is too bright to sleep, or your blanket was washed with a scented detergent that makes you itch or sneeze, that doesn’t make you feel safe in bed. Similarly, if you’re trying to work and someone puts a fan on that blows your hair across your face when you’re trying to focus, or your shirt is uncomfortable, you won’t feel able to get your work done.

We often think this is an issue of focus; that the sensory disturbances are just distracting our kids from what they’re supposed to be doing. But as a person with sensory sensitivities myself, I think that accommodating sensory needs is part of welcoming a person and saying, “You belong here.” If something is bothering me in a room, I’m constantly on edge. I can never relax into a space, and when I can’t relax, I can’t learn. When I was in school, I never used to learn at school—school was too uncomfortable for that—I would always read my textbooks on my own at home and learn in a place that was more suited to me.

Allah says in Surah An-Nahl, ayah 80, “And We made your homes a place of rest.” This verse guides me to see our home not just as a shelter, but as a sanctuary for emotional safety.

Creating a sensory-friendly environment for ADHD children is important to let them know it’s their home, too, and it’s their place to rest and recharge. A comfortable environment isn’t a luxury—it’s a foundation for peace, rest, and growth.

Gentle reassurance

Gentle reassurance goes a long way to help ADHD kids know they’re loved unconditionally and that they’re being seen and understood. A lot of ADHD kids develop problems with self-esteem and self-confidence, mainly because they’re spending a lot more energy trying to do what everyone else is doing with ease, and very often, they’re not getting it done at all. They need to know that we see the effort. Results come only from Allah, but effort is something to celebrate. I always try to let my kids know that I see them trying, and that their struggle is progress, whether or not they accomplish the task.

When children know their struggles are seen and valued, they start to trust that their worth isn’t tied to results.

Co-regulation

Lastly, modelling calm responses and emotional regulation helps ADHD kids feel safe. When their system starts panicking and wants to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, it can be so easy for them to start spiralling. But if, at that moment, they see their parent staying calm, breathing deeply, and not letting their emotions take over, that can be the grounding they need to mirror that for themselves. This is called co-regulation. Providing a warm, responsive relationship where children feel safe and loved is one part of co-regulation. Structuring the environment to make self-regulation manageable and buffer against excessive stress (e.g. consistent routine and sensory-friendly space) is another part. And the third part of co-regulation is skill instruction and coaching to teach kids how to self-regulate on their own. Students with ADHD may be 30% behind same-age peers in the development of executive function and self-regulation skills, so they need more parental support with co-regulation to learn to manage situations throughout their day.

Co-regulation is far from easy, especially if you’re a neurodivergent parent, but ADHD kids (and autistic ones, too) need to have a strong model for emotional regulation. When you are feeling dysregulated and need to have a break, try your best to model taking that break with calmness. Walk away. Take deep breaths. Come back when you’re calm. You can’t give what you don’t have, and a dysregulated adult cannot calm a dysregulated child. They will only mirror your dysregulation, and you’ll mirror theirs, and it will keep snowballing until someone hits their breaking point.

Calm is contagious. By modelling steady breathing and breaks to reset, we teach our children that regulation is possible—even in the storm. We don’t have to be perfect; we just have to show them that peace can be practiced.

Next time…

Of course, while we wait for the brakes to be repaired, the car still needs to run. That’s where our homeschool strategies come in. In Part 2, I’ll share the different ways we adapt our homeschool to suit an ADHD brain, to help things run a little more smoothly.